Perhaps you’ve been invited to a fancy-pants wine country bash with your significant other. That’s swell. You’ve cracked the dress code and figured out what to wear. You’re doing great! But I can tell you’re wondering — are there any pitfalls you should look out for that might make your evening as forgettable as a bottle of cheap merlot? Reader, there are. Luckily, as a wine writer and veteran of the snazzy soiree circuit I’m here for you. I’ve made all the flubs and lived to write about them in this essential 5-step Wine Country Party Survival Guide guaranteed to make your evening sparkle like a glass of lightly chilled Champagne.
Presented without further ado:
STEP ONE: CAR CLEANSE
Because there is nothing so mortifying as pulling up to an event and realizing that a teenager in a red vest is going to be getting into your car and silently judging the “Wash Me” written in the dusty back window, the leftover lunch bags tossed to the floor by your horrible children and the three bags of old clothes you’ve been meaning to drop off at Goodwill if there’s ever a parking space in front of the store. And while we’re on the subject of parking, make sure you have a $5 bill handy. There are two really bad ways to go on valet tipping. Having no cash and mumbling “sorry” while trying to avoid the scornful eyes of a stiffed 19-year-old. Or, having only a $20 bill that you love like a brother but end up handing over to said 19-year-old all the while hating yourself for being so self-consciously craven.
STEP TWO: SARTORIAL TUTORIAL (Or, “Are you kidding me with that shirt?” A Play in Two Acts.)
This is the part where you have the obligatory fight over whether one of you gets to wear his DadPants to the do. Short answer: Don’t. Yes, I realize the dress code said “Napa Casual.” That does not, however, mean you can wear your Eddie Bauer jeans that have been worn just about every day for the past 10 years, are ripped over the knee in a totally non-ironic way, and are big enough to fit a Fiat in the pocket.
STEP THREE: EMERGENCY SUPPLY KIT
Sometimes you go to a wine country dinner and book a hotel room so you can stay late without having to face a long drive home. Sometimes the chef turns out to be a devotee of the “two shrimps and a pea on a plate” school of cooking. Sometimes you get back to said hotel room absolutely starving. Sometimes one of you wanted to bring a ramen noodle cup and a kettle. Sometimes the other one of you said, “Oh, no, you won’t need that.” Sometimes the ramen-noodle deprived party will whine for literally YEARS about that time when he was so hungry and he could have been full of ramen deliciousness, but no. (I mean seriously. That was 2008. Time to let go.)
STEP FOUR: GO BIG ON THE SMALL TALK
You’re at a party with a bunch of people, many of whom are complete strangers. Some of them are rich strangers. All of you have been drinking. Not a good time to bust out your hilarious joke about John Boehner. (Although if it’s the one I’m thinking of that is pretty funny.) Nope. You need to discuss the weather, current movies, current books and sporting events. If, and let’s just theorize here, you’re a couple who don’t get out much, couldn’t name the current movies/books at gunpoint and one of you can never remember if the Giants play football or baseball (Would you believe they do both? It’s like they’re trying to confuse us.), that leaves the weather. Hoo boy. Hot enough for you?
STEP FIVE: DON’T FORGET THE POSTMORTEM
The best part of going to a party as a couple is talking about it afterwards, shredding everyone else’s car hygiene, outfit and demeanor. I recommend plenty of coffee, newspapers and a pleasant setting for this activity — a sun-dappled hotel room balcony overlooking lush, landscaped lawns would be ideal. Perhaps you’ll even get a lovely compliment, as I did recently post-party when my husband of many years surprised me by saying, “You were the prettiest woman in the room, you know.”
“Well, thank you, darling,” I responded delightedly.
“Except,” added my very own little soldier of truth, “for the waitresses, of course.”
Cheers, festively.
